How I Met The Zombie Apocalypse
by YungCheeze
Summary: Barney is a serial killer, Marshall, Lily, and Robin are bank robbers, and Ted has a foot fetish. Also, a zombie apocalypse comes between all of this.
1. Pickle Pandemic

Chapter One  
Pickle Pandemic

_Kids, back in the summer of 2014, your Uncle Barney and I went on a double date with Tracy and Robin at MacLaren's. I knew Barney just wanted us to switch partners for the night, but he knew I wouldn't allow it._

"Okay, how about this," said Barney "I get to use a condom while making sweet love to Tracy. It'll be like my penis isn't even inside of her because there's a layer of latex separating us."  
"You put up a convincing argument, Barney," said Ted as he slammed down his fourth shot of the night "but the answer is still a no."  
"Better luck on our next double date, Barney," said Robin.  
Carl the bartender let out a loud yell and everyone in the bar looked over at him. He was gripping onto his hand after a man had just bit it.  
"You crazy hobo!" yelled Carl "Get out of here before I throw a pickle at you!"  
"Speaking of pickles..." said Barney "It's close to ten o'clock. We've got some pickling to do."  
Barney and Robin got up from their booth at the table and said their goodbyes to Ted and Tracy.

_Kids, back during that crazy 2014 summer, there was an insane craze going around called Pickling where you would put a pickle in various holes on your partner's body. This is not to be confused with Meatballing._

Marshall and Lily were enjoying a quiet night at home and watching the wiener dog nationals on television. The two were cuddling and were at complete peace ever since they traded their baby Marvin for a jar of pickles.  
"You know what I'd rather watch than a stupid show about wiener dogs?" said Marshall "_Ted Mosby... Sex Architect_."  
"You're makin' me all frisky, Marshy Marsh!" Lily said with delight.  
They were disrupted with a knock on the door and Marshall quickly got off the couch and snuck over to the door like a ninja. He answered it and was greeted by an enthusiastic Ranjit as well as Barney's black brother James for some odd reason.  
"Party over here, boys!" yelled Ranjit at the top of his lungs.  
Marshall greeted the two of them with a hug "I didn't know we were having a party."  
"Every day is a party, brah!" shrieked James "Give Barney a call, he'll bring over some shawties."  
Marshall looked back at Lily to see if a party was in order. She shrugged, therefore allowing it.  
"As long as I get to pick the soundtrack," she said.  
"Lily, please..." Marshall looked upset.  
"No Lily approved soundtrack, no party."  
"Fine," he said with a scoff.  
"Thanks, sweetie! Now come pickle me."

_Kids, back on planet Earth, we had these things called parties. People would gather around from all over the city to drink alcohol, smoke that dank kush, and socialize with attractive members of the opposite sex in hopes of premarital intercourse. _

Within the hour, the party was pretty bumpin'. Dozens of people were dancing around, grinding, drinking forties, and having a great time. Lily's soundtrack, consisting of rap artists like Lil B, Riff Raff, Yung Lean, and Death Grips, had the party guests dancing like there was no tomorrow (and there literally wasn't going to be one) (or maybe figuratively?).  
Ted noticed that Tracy was off in the kitchen talking to a few of her friends, so he took this opportunity to take a few spy pics of the cuties at the parties. A few girls were in heels and sandals, so he zoomed in on those smooth feet and took a few sneaky snapshots. Barney came up and put his arm around Ted's shoulder.  
"Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to braid your pubes."  
"What?"  
"Did I say that? I meant, I'm gonna teach you how to make love to a woman."  
"Barney, I think I already know how to do that."  
"Yeah, but you're not doing it the _Stinson_ _Way_."  
"Next time you're making love to Tracy- better yet, that hot blonde eyeing you in the corner- I want you to give her the ol' Stinson Way."  
Ted looked over at that hot blonde to see that it was Zoey, giving him a mix of a dirty glare and a seductive glance. Ted glanced at her feet and liked what he saw.  
"Barney, I can't. I'm in love with Tracy! She's my How I Met Your Mother."  
"It's not cheating if you close your eyes and think of Tracy."  
"Fine, what's The Stinson Way?"  
Barney leaned in to whisper in Ted's ear. Ted looked pleased.

Marshall was having fun at his apartment party, but noticed his two buddies weren't there.  
"Hey, everyone!" he yelled over the Lil B music "Where's Carl and Wendy?"  
"I think they're still at the bar," said Robin.

Robin was right. No one was at MacLaren's because everyone heard how amazing the party at Marshall, Lily, and Ted's apartment was. Wendy was wiping dried jelly off the tables while Carl was feeling woozy and lightheaded from how strange his hand-bite felt. Wendy took a look up at the television over top of the bar. It was a news program about a meteorite that crash landed in New York and took the head right off the Statue of Liberty.  
"That's pretty crazy, huh?" said Wendy.  
Carl sat at a stool and looked incredibly sleep deprived as he desperately tried to keep his head up. Drool dripped from his mouth and it looked like he was about to fall out of his chair. More news from the meteorite revealed that anyone who went too close to it passed out and woke up in a zombie-like state. The program began to show either decayed zombie-like people in handcuffs or them being hit with police batons.  
"How awful!" she said.  
Carl fell out of his chair and hit the floor. Wendy kept her focus on the news for a minute. More of it revealed evacuations from around the state and people looking terrified for the loss of their loved ones. Carl then got off the floor and Wendy immediately knew he wasn't right. He was groaning and his eyes and skin had gone pale. He slowly paced towards Wendy and tried grabbing onto her arm. She didn't hesitate to pull a small butterfly switchblade out of her pocket and stab Carl in the temple. His blood gushed out as she twisted the knife for a few seconds. She pulled it out and he hit the floor.  
"I can't tell you how long I've been waiting to do that, you turtle-murdering bastard."


	2. The Stinson Way

Chapter Two  
The Stinson Way

The party continued and everyone was having a good time. Ted was viciously staring down Zoey from the other end of the room while Barney rubbed his shoulders to ease him.  
"You're gonna go over there and ask her if she's an archaeologist, alright?"  
"Why an archaeologist?"  
"Because you have a large bone that needs to be examined, Ted."  
Ted staggered towards Zoey. Once he reached her, he leaned up against the wall and put on his best effort to look smooth.  
"Look here, girl, I've got a nice Smurf penis going on right now. You know why? Because I'm an archaeologist."  
"You sure know how to smooth talk a girl, Ted Mosby," she said with a seductive smile.  
Barney then butted into their conversation "Excuse me, Ted and Zoey, why don't we take this threesome back to my apartment?"  
"That's a handsome idea, Barn," said Ted.  
The three of them made their way past the crowd and went for the front door. Ted glanced over at Tracy, who was talking with Robin, Marshall, and Lily.  
"Hey, shawty," he said to Tracy "Barney is drunk as an acorn. We're gonna escort him back to his place!"  
"Have fun, baby cakes! See you soon," she said back to him.  
Ted and Barney left the apartment with Zoey. Marshall pulled a pair of latex gloves off a nearby table and slapped them onto his hands.  
"Y'all ready to make some money?" he asked.

Ted, Barney and Zoey soon entered Barney's apartment. The middle of his apartment featured some sort of large mysterious figure covered in a bed sheet.  
"Wow, what's this?" Ted asked with a giggle.  
"Ted, my biggest hobby in life was suits. I loved suits and everything about them. Then I was informed about this baby..."  
Barney walked over to the sheet and pulled it off to reveal some sort of torturous looking chair underneath. The chair was black and had comfy leather padding, but it also had straps for the arms, legs, and forehead with a bunch of tubes coming out and it was hooked up to a machine.  
"I've found a new hobby- drinking the brains of the bimbos I bring home," he said as he gazed into Zoey's eyes "I don't even enjoy fucking their brains out anymore. I just wanna... drink their brains out."  
Ted let out a quick sharp laugh. Zoey began to look nervous and slowly backed towards the door.  
"I call it... The Stinson Way," said Barney as he opened up a cupboard full of jarred brain juices with a cartoonish label of Barney's face with _The Stinson Way_ printed on it. Barney grabbed a jar and threw it at Zoey's head. She was instantly knocked out.

Back at the party, there was an unexpected loud knock at the door. A random person opened the door and was greeted by three hooligans in black ski masks, shotguns, and blue latex gloves. These weren't just random hooligans- it was Robin, Lily, and Marshall robbing their own place. Everyone was frightened, except for Tracy, who calmly sat in the kitchen and was in on the identities of the robbers. The music was cut off and the three of them began pointing their guns in the faces of the party goers. They went from person to person collecting their money. Their next step was to take a few hostages and hit up some of the banks around the city. They chose their few hostages- Ranjit, James, Quinn, Sandy Rivers, and Tracy, although she pretty much voluntarily came along.

Back in Barney's apartment, Zoey was stripped naked and strapped into the chair and still unconscious. One strap went around her forehead and it had tubes that were gently inserted into her head.  
"Should we bang her while she's knocked out or something?" asked Ted.  
"Ted, I'm not insane!" said Barney.  
"Oh right, sorry."  
"We're forgetting something," said Barney gently as he walked into his kitchen.  
He came back with two pickles. He popped one of them into her vagina and slapped her in the face with the other one. She woke up and looked confused for a second before looking terrified. Barney stood next to a large switch and placed his hand on it.  
"Do you have any last words, Zoey?"  
"Yeah, you can go fu-"  
Barney pulled the lever and Zoey tensed up as her eyes rolled to the back of her head. Drool came from her mouth and blood came out of her forehead tubes and entered the machine. Barney and Ted stared in amazement as they saw brain matter flowing through the tubes. The machine began whirring and shaking as it poured a fresh juicy liquid into a cup Barney had placed near the machine. Once the process was done, Barney picked up the cup and took a sip.  
"Wow, dang!" he said sounding pleased.  
"What do we do with the corpses?" asked Ted.  
"Either store her in my closet with the other keepers or dump her out the window. If her body doesn't explode upon impact, then the homeless people outside will make good use of her."  
"So you have a storage closet for these girls?"  
"Some of them. I threw out all of my suits to make room for these girls," he made a scoff "Suits... what was I thinking? This is way more important."  
Barney took the strap off Zoey's head and examined her wounds, in hopes that they wouldn't be too bad. Her forehead was too mushy though for Barney to preserve her body. While he was doing this, Ted took a look into Barney's storage closet. He had about six girls hanging from nooses- all looking so fresh that they looked alive. There were a few familiar faces, including Stella, Victoria, and Patrice. The others he didn't recognize. There was another one hanging way at the back with a blanket over top of it, hiding whoever's body it was. Ted decided not to question it.  
"We'll have to toss her," said Barney as he picked up Zoey "Her skull is too mushy to keep."  
Ted opened the window and Barney tossed her from the twentieth floor of the building. She landed in a bush and a few nearby zombies didn't hesitate to start feasting on her.  
"Damn, these are some desperate hobos," said Barney.


	3. Okay, the Zombies are Finally Here

Chapter Three  
Okay, the Zombies are Finally Here

Marshall, Lily, and Robin ran through the empty streets of NYC with their masks on and their five hostages with them. They unknowingly ran past a lost and scared Wendy the Waitress and made their way into one of the banks.  
"Hands up, cock bags!" yelled Lily as she fired a warning shot into the ceiling.  
"Put the money in the bags and no one gets hurt," yelled Robin.  
The four hostages all looked nervous, except for Tracy, and they opened the bags for the tellers as previously instructed.  
"I'm sorry, but we have a strict no guns policy here," said one of the tellers "I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."  
Lily fired the shotgun and blew the man's head to smithereens "We asked for money, not a sob story!" she declared.  
The other fearful tellers began dropping wads of cash into the duffle bags. Marshall turned around and looked out the front doors of the bank.  
"Uh-oh, I think we've got trouble," he said.  
"Is it the police?" asked Sandy Rivers with joy in his voice.  
"Worse... hobos."  
It wasn't hobos. It was a pack of zombies heading towards the front door. Those zombies went through the front door with no problem and kept up their slow staggering towards everyone. Robin, Lily, and Marshall removed their ski masks.  
"These don't look like hobos or the police," said Quinn.  
"Stop!" said Robin "Stop or I shoot!"  
They didn't stop and Robin shot one in the head.  
"These are some zombie suckas!" yelled Lily.  
The three of them began firing their guns as more and more zombies came walking into the building. Sandy Rivers was panicking and on the verge of tears.  
"Someone shoot me! I'd rather die quickly than be eaten by ghouls!"  
Marshall turned and shot him in the shoulder, causing him to fly into a few zombies. The gunshot didn't kill him, but being torn apart did. They began chewing into his neck first, followed by his torso, until he was completely ripped apart and devoured. Ranjit began yelling into his cellphone in his native language of Swedish. The only words that were English involved a bombing and the address of the bank and one minute. Marshall was the first to put it together.  
"Ranjit, are you blowing up this building in one minute from now!?" he asked.  
"It's our only way out and it solves all of our problems back in India!"  
"I outta shoot you right now!" said Marshall as he pointed the shotgun at Ranjit's head.  
"It's me or the zombies! Your pick!"  
Marshall looked frustrated and turned back to firing at the zombies. The zombies had entered the entirety of the bank at this point, leaving the survivors (Marshall, Lily, Robin, Tracy, Ranjit, James, Quinn, and three bank tellers) to make their way to the top of the bank teller desks. None of the bank tellers made it to the top of the desks. They got devoured in the crowd of the undead during their attempt to climb on top. Ranjit checked his watch.  
"Forty-five seconds remain!" he yelled.  
Marshall panicked and looked for a quick exit. He noticed a few windows around the top of the building, but it would require some precise jumping; from the desk to the top of a large file cabinet, and then someone would have to lift everyone else up to escape. Marshall told everyone this plan and it seemed impossible to get everyone out in such little time frame- and that last person would have absolutely no way out.  
"Fuck that, I don't wanna die," yelled Ranjit as he jumped across. He landed on top of the file cabinet and tried jumping up to reach the window.  
They all successfully jumped across one by one- except James, who fell into the crowd of zombies- and made it, except for Robin, who seemed panicked. Marshall began the process of lifting everyone out the window one by one.  
"Don't be scared, girl!" said Lily.  
Robin took a deep breath and made the jump. She landed the jump, but barely. Her feet were still sticking over the ledge and a zombie reached up and took a chunk out of her leg. Robin screamed in pain and Lily and Marshall yelled as well at the now unstoppable demise of their closest friend.  
"Twenty seconds!" yelled Ranjit as he sat on the windowsill and jumped out to safety.  
"Go on without me," said Robin.  
"Okay," agreed Lily with no problem.  
The two girls helped Marshall out of the window, and then Robin helped Lily out. The two girls gave each other a wordless goodbye with a simple stare, and then Lily was gone from sight. Robin turned around to look at the hundreds of growling zombies packed inside the bank trying to reach up at her. A few tears rolled down her eyes as she leaned up against the wall. '_Five seconds!'_ she heard Ranjit yell in the distance. She pointed the shotgun in her mouth.

From outside, Marshall, Lily, Tracy, Quinn, and Ranjit ran as far as they could from the bank. Two military jets with the Indian flag printed on them flew over top of the bank and dropped some bombs. The bank instantly blew apart in a fiery explosion as the five of them watched in amazement. They saw dead zombies flying fifty feet into the air from the explosion, as well as parts of the bank. Flaming severed body parts, pieces of wood, and debris flew past them. Before anyone could give a warning, a sharp piece of metal flew directly into Marshall's skull halfway through his head. He turned to Lily and then fell over dead. Lily dropped to her knees beside him and began screaming in rage.  
Ranjit's cellphone rang and he answered it. He put his finger in his free ear to block out Lily's screaming. It was Barney on the other end and he had an important mission for Ranjit.


	4. The Walking Ted

Chapter Four  
The Walking Ted

Ted and Barney were enjoying a cigarette outside of the apartment building. They were observing the zombies from way down the street slowly staggering towards them.  
"The homeless population in this city is crazy," said Barney.  
"Kinda makes you wanna drink their brains, doesn't it?" asked Ted.  
"Ted, I don't want to get diseases here."  
They saw someone running towards them though and that someone turned out to be Wendy.  
"You've gotta help me! There are zombies all over the city," she exclaimed.  
"You mean these people?" asked Barney "They're hobos; filthy hobos."  
One of them eventually got close enough to be seen clearly.  
"Or maybe not," he said with a disgusted face.  
Wendy pulled her switchblade back out and quickly killed the zombie by stabbing it in the head.  
"Okay, I'll tell you what. I can bring you up to my apartment. It's safe there," he said.  
"That sounds great. Anywhere is better than out here," she replied.  
Ted's cellphone rang. He pulled it out to see that Tracy was calling him.  
"One second, guys. Go up without me, I'll be right behind you."  
Barney and Wendy went into the building, leaving Ted outside.  
"Hello?" he asked in a panic "Girl, where are you?"  
Her voice came across as a bit muffled and she sounded panicked, but she eventually came through.  
"Ted, where are you?" she asked.  
"I'm outside Barney's apartment. Are you safe?"  
"Yeah! I'm with Lily and a few others. We're on our way over," she said, followed by a loud scream of hers.  
"Tracy!" yelled Ted "Tracy! Talk to me!"  
There was no response and then the line went dead.

Back in Barney's apartment, Wendy was already unconscious on the floor and half undressed. He was dragging her body towards the chair when Ted came barging in with blood all over his hand from a zombie bite.  
"Oh god, I've been bit!" he yelled "I don't wanna die."  
"I saw this in a movie once," said Barney "We're gonna have to amputate."  
"What? No!"  
Barney pulled a butcher knife out of a knife rack and walked towards Ted. Ted was of course terrified and slowly back away from Barney. He grabbed onto Ted's hang and swung the knife, severing Ted's hand instantly. Ted screamed in pain and fell to the floor with blood spraying out of his wound.  
"Just don't get any blood on the carpet!"  
Within the minute, Barney had his first aid kit ready and was in the process of bandaging Ted's bloody arm stump after cleansing it. It didn't seem to help much as Ted looked woozy like he was gonna faint, or die.  
"Stay with me, buddy!"  
It was no luck. Ted was lying dead on the floor.

_Yes, kids, it's true. I was dead for a few minutes, but luckily your Uncle Barney had a few tricks up his sleeve. _

Barney propped Ted's body onto the brain sucking chair and strapped him in. His plan was to transfer Ted's brain into another body, so he searched through his closet of the six hanging bodies. Five of them were women, but there was one male body hiding under a blanket- Bob Saget's.  
"I knew you were gonna come in handy at some point."  
Barney hit the switch and Ted's brains began getting sucked out. Once the process was complete, he quickly unstrapped Ted, kicked him to the floor and strapped in Bob Saget. Barney fidgeted around with the buttons on the machine to put it in reverse and soon after, the brains went through the tubes again and into Bob Saget's head.  
"Please let this work," muttered Barney.

Lily, Tracy, and Quinn were at the bottom of Barney's apartment and began making their way up to his room. After Ted had made his phone call earlier, he was dumb enough to accidentally leave the front door open. Tracy's scream from earlier came from a bite she got on her arm from a zombie. It was only a matter of time until she was done for. The corridor and hallways of the apartment building had a good amount of zombies in it, but luckily the three girls were all equipped with shotguns and some swords they conveniently found lying around outside. They began blasting and slashing their way through the zombies, leaving a trail of severed limbs and blood stains behind them. It wasn't long until Tracy got bit on the arm again by another one of them. She yelled in pain and stabbed that zombie through the eye.  
"Don't worry, girl," said Lily "We can make it alive."  
Tracy clutched her new wound as her blood began drizzling to the floor quickly. They made their way into the stairwell, where it was even more crowded with zombies. The girls were running down a hallway filled with a few corners, but they made a wrong turn and found themselves trapped down a hallway that had a dead end. Tracy managed to run out of that closed off hallway on time before the zombies cornered in Lily and Quinn. It was a dead end for the two of them and all the doors near them were locked. They fired their shotguns into the crowd until they were out of ammo and the swords didn't do much as the hoard of zombies got closer to them.  
Lily looked at Quinn and shrugged and then she looked straight up.  
"See you in a second, Marshall."  
She held the sword to her own throat and slit it. Her blood sprayed out at Quinn and she fell to the ground seconds later. Quinn was in a complete panic and was crying her eyes out. She let out a few more screams for help, but it was too late. The zombies grabbed hold of her and a dozen mouths bit onto her at once. Within seconds, her stomach was ripped open and her neck was being chewed through. Lily's body was also being devoured. She cried from the pain a bit longer before they began chomped into her head.

Back in Barney's apartment, a helicopter flew up to the apartment window and its blades were so strong that the wind was blowing over various things in Barney's apartment.  
"Ranjit!" Barney yelled with excitement "You made it, buddy! Give me a few minutes; I'm trying to bring Ted back to life!"  
"Roger that!" said Ranjit "I'll go park on the next building over!"  
Ranjit flew off and Wendy then began to regain consciousness as she remained lying on the floor. She didn't know what was going on, but she saw Ted dead on the floor and Barney yelling 'wake up' to a naked Bob Saget and a closet full of hanging corpses. She knew Barney was up to no good. Wendy put her clothes back on and pulled the switchblade out of her pocket.  
"Hold it right there, Barney," she said with the knife pointed at the back of his neck.  
He raised his hands in the air and turned to face her. She grabbed hold of his tie and lowered the knife to his penis area on his pants.  
"What are you doing, Wendy?" he asked.  
"I could ask you the same thing."  
Wendy walked towards the front door, bringing Barney with her by pulling his tie. She opened the front door of his apartment and saw only a couple of zombies heading towards them.  
"If you don't cooperate, I won't hesitate to cut off your penis and balls," she said.  
She placed Barney's hands in the door frame and slammed the door shut on them. Barney yelled from the minor pain and Wendy leaned up against the door, making Barney stuck in place with his hands sticking out into the hallway.  
"Wendy, please!" he begged "Let me go!"  
It was too late. The zombies already began chewing on his hands and tearing the flesh off. He was screaming for help and tried kicking at Wendy, but his legs wouldn't reach her. Seconds later, she let Barney back into the apartment. His hands were just the bloody skeleton bones. Barney fell to his knees and screamed. Wendy opened the door once more real quick and let one zombie in. That one zombie happened to be Tracy. Zombie Tracy went right for Barney and bit into his neck.  
"Ranjit!" Wendy yelled out the window, followed by a loud whistle.  
Seconds later, the helicopter flew up to Barney's apartment window and Ranjit waved at Wendy as she climbed onto the windowsill and leaped into the backseat of the helicopter.  
"Where's Barney?" he asked.  
"He's dead; let's get away from here."  
Ranjit did so and began flying high above the city "You're a woman," he said "I don't give free rides to women. You pay me with your mouth!"  
"What!?"  
Ranjit turned and pointed his Uzi at her "You heard me! Either you get to work or I either shoot you or kick you out of the helicopter and you fall to your death."  
"Fuck you," she said.  
Ranjit fired countless bullets into her chest and stomach as her blood sprayed out and covered the interior of the helicopter. He put his Uzi onto the seat next to him and turned back to face forward.  
"I am from India! This is rules and regulations in my country. I am a king here in America!"  
He rambled on about India and Pakistan for a minute until Wendy opened her eyes again as a zombie. She let out a low growl, but Ranjit couldn't hear her over his own yelling. She lunged forward and chomped into his neck, tearing off a good chunk of skin on his throat. His blood sprayed out and covered the front window, so he couldn't see where he was steering. He lost control of the helicopter and crashed into a building. It exploded on impact into a fiery explosion one hundred feet in the air. Ranjit was still alive then, but entirely on fire and bleeding from the throat, as he rapidly fell through the air. He soon plummeted to his death and smacked onto the pavement causing his body to burst like a water balloon. His insides were then eaten by the zombies.

Back in Barney's apartment, Ted- as Bob Saget- woke up in Barney's brain sucking chair and immediately saw his own body lying dead on the floor and Tracy as a zombie feasting on Barney's intestines.  
"What the hell?" he muttered to himself in a panic "Tracy?"  
He got out of the chair and walked towards Tracy. She stopped eating Barney and looked at Ted.  
"It's okay," he said "I still love you."

_Kids, how do you know when you're in love? I'll tell you how. If there's a girl you have strong feelings for, jerk off. If you still feel the same way about her post-orgasm, then you're in love. If not, then that's just lust. It only took me one jerk off to the thought of banging your mother's zombie body to realize I still loved her. Her rotting flesh and awful stench didn't stop me from marrying her and knocking her up. And that kids, is the story of how I met your mother. _

The end.


End file.
